Your fantasy team isn't playing...it's time to eat

If you've been playing fantasy football all season chances are you may actually be drawn to the games even though you have no stake whatsoever. I know, weird, right? Most leagues are done by now so let us give these games so meaning.

Let us eat.

Do yourself (and your friends) a favor by throwing a long party of gluttony and greatness. Your friends who actually like football will appreciate it - if there is anything I've learned from documenting tailgaters is that groups of people + football = good times. Also some of these games are going to be nearly intolerable to watch and you'll need SOMETHING to do beside tweet and post status update about how boring everything is.

PS If you're a vegetarian you really can substitute dishes throughout.

There are three rules:

1. This a marathon and not a sprint & I've designed the menu as such - in fancy Top Chef terms it is a progression. I think.
2. There has to be a sandwhich at each game. People need the freedom to jump up and down while watching.
3. I live in Brooklyn so we don't have to worry about designated drivers - please drive safely for you suburbanites. Not really a rule, merely explaining alcohol.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON GAME
Saints v Seahawks

This is a DANGER game, or for gamblers out there "the trap" game. There is a high chance this will be a blowout (at least until the Saints put Ivory and Thomas on the IR as I wrote this post) and a blowout is like a bad date - you eat and drink too much just to keep up the illusion of interest. A second danger that nobody will show up for this game.

I use this game to knock out the the traditional staples and eliminate my own delusions of grandeur of somehow figuring out a way to be hipster ironic, ironic of anything, and generally help that I am going to wake up Saturday morning feeling lazy or uncreative. Also, if someone shows up for the Saturday night game you can point to the trash can where the remnants of "usual" stuff now sits.

• Nachos. Do it the way my wife Danielle does it. She uses wwo cake pans to control the nacho output. Smart wife I have. You can also clean out a lot of leftovers from your fridge by the throwing them in your nachos concoction. Nachos are like the Lasagnas of football - anything can go in and it is still Nachos.
• Buffalo Wings. I spent one summer in New Jersey working in a chicken wing fast food place and the secret to making wings. Deep fry (or bake fry) the wings, take them out and THEN put them in the sauce.
  
  Emulating this is pretty easy & you really don't need a deep frier. While your wings bake in the oven, take a bunch of bowls and fill them with the four sauce staples: medium, hot, bbq and honey mustard. Post-cooking split up the wings, throw in bowls, cover, shake, and then serve. If anyone double-dips ejection the person from the house and only let him (it is always a hit) return if he picks up wings. That is disgusting when it comes to sauces.
• Chicken Sandwhiches. Super easy to make and always a hit. Probably since it is the healthiest thing for the first game. Also fills in the sandwhich rule.
• Beer. Heinken, PBR, and Coors. Get the irony out of the way. It always keeps people from getting too drunk in the first game.

SATURDAY NIGHT GAME
Jets v Colts
This is the weekend's prime time event (more or less) and is really a chance to bust out the big guns. You want the following zone for this game: Old Person New Year's Eve. Which is zone where can get yourself just buzzed enough yet still happy enough where you can ignore the people you don't like while celebrating the people you love. Or in this case the food you love.

• Pulled Pork Sandwhiches. Throw a bunch of pork butt into a slow cooker, some red wine, some onions, and a bunch of other stuff I am not talking about. The key is about 6-8 hours slow cook, drain liquid, shred, add bbq sauce and an hour on high in the slow cooker. The second key: use good BBQ sauce. Since this will be cooking during the first game you will have to fend off people who try to nab some early bites. I use one thick KC type sauce and one vinegar type so I can keep all BBQ fanatics happy.
• Mac & Cheese. I am not talking store bought Kraft. Use two different types of pasta - shells and rotini work, some sharp sheddar, bacon, and pastore cheese. If you use 1 pound of cheese total and 2 pounds of pasta you can feed at least 8 people without issue. It is also surprisingly cost effective. For people who have veggie friends you can use two smaller pans and do one without bacon.
• Shots. That's right, I said SHOTS! One shot to start the game. Another at half time. You'll feel cool and young again and there is no way the alcohol will touch your stomach since DO YOU KNOW HOW HEAVY the two dishes are?
• Dark and Stormy. Since this is the over indulgence game go for it. Ginger beer mixed with Gosling's rum. This drink is so tasty I once told my oldest friend John I was having it at a party, he mentioned it to his pregnant wife and she became so jealous she made one for herself. A drink so good pregnant women endanger unborn children.

What is great is that you have enough cheap beer left over from game one that nobody mined since the food is so good. That is it. That is all you need to get you through the first day.

It will also get you through most of the weekend as nobody is going to be able to move enough to come over.

SUNDAY EARLY GAME
Baltimore v KC

I consider this a brunch-type game and how many hardcore Baltimore of KC fans do you know who are going to show up for the first quarter? Let us go light and fluffy at this point as the meat and mac will still be hanging out in your stomach. Also, you did shots the night before - take it easy soldier. This is also the traditional day of football and as I traditionalist every game must include grilling outdoors.

• French Toast. For a football game? Yes. Do you know how easy it is to make French toast? I watch Danielle make it all the time and it looks really easy when she does it. They can also be made to order. Danielle does that because I am in charge of the next item.
• Bacon Blue Cheese Burgers (medium rare). My friends would never forgive me if I did not have something that appeals to the base animal instincts (nor would my cat who is busy stealing food all day). My butcher uses a combination short ribs and brisket mix which would be competely WASTED on people at this point - save that for a small BBQ as there is no need to get crazy. They get the 85% lean though and I mix in some bacon and blue cheese directly into the meat. For Danielle and her pregant friends I will make some Blue Cheese-less and medium. This can be a DANGER item for a close game - if at halftime I think the game is going down to the wire I'm cooking up a bunch of them and leaving them out. Enjoy your cold burger or learn how to use my microwave for re-heating.
• Mimosas. Champagne and football DO mix.
• Coffee. Have a pot ready. Never hurts.
• Beer. You'll want to start drinkings just after half time. I would move up to Sam Adams or whatever of the million microbrews are out there. Stay away from anything flavored though.
  

LATER SUNDAY GAME
Green Bay v Philadelphia
This is the home stretch and congratulations on making it this far. The twitching in that eye is normal. Do not call in sick before the game though - the boss will be suspcious.

• Mini-hotdogs. First of all it is an awesome food. No party is ever complete without them and have you ever heard someone say: Man, I hated that they had mini-hotdogs? Also you mini-hot dogs, mustard, and Michael Vick jokes go over really well.
• Rib-eyed sandwhiches. Fire up the grill and reward your guests and friends for making it this far.
• Left overs. You really think you won't have any at this point? You're going to be eating this stuff all week.
• Another shot. To start the game. To the end the game. If I wasn't so cheap I would get a bottle of Petron.
• Top shelf alcohol. This is when I usually let a mixologist friend take over, or I left people into the Black label. Anyone drinking at this point is a professional anyway and you must treat them with the utmost respect.

There you have it former football players. After this weekend you will be converted to the happy factor of football eating and over indulgence. Do not worry about drinking too much as chances are you'll be calling into work sick on Monday anyway. And who won the games? Does it really matter (unless you're rooting for one of the six teams playing). Your fantasy football team isn't playing anymore and you are now fat and happy.

Wayne