Talking with People: Real-Life Caricatures

"I bet you that is the prosecutor." Those were my first words when the man in the cheap tan suit with the bright yellow tie walked into the room. If a John Grisham character were to leap off the page and walk into an actual court room this was the man. His white hair added to his real life ensemble, providing a striking resemblance to the fictional mayor from Spin City.

It was just about hour three into my not-sure-how-long sojourn into jury duty at the Brooklyn County Court. Danielle had warned me that there is nothing quite like jury duty in Brooklyn and that a pen and pad of paper was not so much a suggestion as a commandment from her.

Smart wife I have.

There twenty of us stuffed into a small windowless room with egg shell white walls. Incredibly enough the chairs were attached together in pairs of two - if you planned on moving then your neighbor could either stop you or receive an unexpected free ride in whatever direction you were going. A would-be oscillating fan was in the front of the room, mockingly located 3/4 of the way up your wall. I say would-be since nobody had bothered to turn it on. The only other adornments were a wooden table and three cushion chairs behind it.

The Tan Caricature immediately lived up to my expectations by opening his arms as wide as possible and stating, "Welcome everyone!"

Joining him in the front of the room was a short, bald white man who would have drawn much more of my attention as a resemblance to a Soprano extra. His suit was much sharper and his entire demeanor screamed, "This is ridiculous."

As the Tan Caricature continued to stand Soprano-lite sat down and looked around the room. That is, I think he looked around the room - he had a wandering eye. I immediately put some of my brain power to trying to decipher whether this would be an advantage or a disadvantage in the jury selection.

I'm still not sure.

The third gentleman in the room was mostly arms and legs - his lanky frame seemingly half a step ahead of his torso. He wore a cheap brown suit. The reason I know it is a cheap brown suit is because I could see the edge of the pant legs were frayed and I could see the color difference in the collar. I guess I should say it was a cheap brown suit with a slightly lighter brown collar.

Somehow he sat down in his chair. I can't say I actually saw him sit down, more that he was standing one second and then the next second he was in the seat with his legs crossed. I took a closer look, trying to figure the odds of him being cross-eyed. Nope. Though he either had drank some chocolate milk that morning, was really an eight grader trying to grow a mustache for the first time, or should consider investing in a razor since there was something growing on his upper lip.

These would be the people involved with the case.

Tan Caricature kept his arms spread wise as though he was trying to embrace the room. What happened next was an off-off-off-Broadway theater audition gone completely wrong. He over enunciated every word and with every word there was an over exaggerated gesture.

It was impressive. Doubly-impressive was he spoke for no less than 18 minutes. I did not know that was legal in jury selection. He explained the case - several times using almost the same words - and I felt he was trying the case. What surprised me was that neither Soprano-lite nor Milk-stache was stopping him.

Then it occurred to me, They've seen this performance and they're going to give him enough rope to hang himself. Almost on cue Tan Caricature said, "We've been together two days and seen each others performances."

That is really what the jury selection was to me. Performance art by three lawyers - it was such good performance art I laughed out loud several times* at different words that spilled from their mouths.

Soprano-lite was a partner in a law firm that represented a management company. His greatest performances were his slight shakes while Tan Caricature spoke and asked questions of potential jurors. It was a great, subtle performance - except after shaking his head he would look around and see if anyone noticed.

Milk-tasche gave the unintentional double impressive highlight of the day. He asked a question so complex to the potential jurors that I can't even repeat the gist of it since I still had no idea what he asked. It didn't matter as Tan Caricature and Soprano-lite turned pale, Tan Caricature actually said, "I object!" and they then went to Judge's quarters for 45 minutes to clear up whether the question could even be asked.

It was singularly impressive as it was the second thing he had said all day. The first being his name.

What was more impressive was upon returning Milk-tasche asked an equally confusing question. Blank looks all around. He then asked if we understood, myself and another person said, "Um, no." He then repeat the question only...more...slowly. The only reason he still isn't trying to explain himself is that Soprano-lite stepped in and cleared up the proceedings.

It was definitely an interesting event. Mostly since I got to see some humorous performance art, called it my civic duty, and am slightly bummed out since I wanted to see Soprano-lite destroy the other two lawyers in the court room as that is what is going to happen.

The mafia guy always kills off the southern and inexperienced new guy. That is just how life works.

Wayne

* I'm pretty sure this is why I was not selected. Tan Caricature, when it came time to interview me even mentioned, "You seemed to be having a good time in the back laughing along." I answered Yes.