Lazy Man Review: Alcatraz

Disclaimer: The Lazy Man Review is the type of review you would give your buddy at a bar, wife over the dinner table, or mistress during pillow talk. More about what you remember, rather than looking back and proving your thesis with ground breaking research

I'm still angry at JJ Abrams for the ending of Lost. I can't help it. I know he wasn't actually responsible for it yet I still blame him. Hey, if you want to be called the Execute Producer you get the blame. I do know I haven't like a JJ Abrams ending since Regarding Henry. I do love his beginnings though and I own books on Alcatraz. Ergo, count me in.

Though after the two hour premiere I'm only giving the show three more episodes. I have high demands when it comes to the science fiction fantasy world. Heck it isn't even the science fiction it is quality writing I crave.

This is some pretty poor writing.

Madsen, the female lead appears to have been a color by number creation for female protagonist. She is the female rebel who just lost a partner - let me side step here for a moment- the following actually occurred (a) she snarls at a special agent upon meeting him - who turns out to be her new boss, Awkward - and the viewer saw coming about 10 million miles away since it is Sam Neill from Jurassic Park; (b) steals evidence from a crime scene; and (c) someone who drinks hard liquor. She has been solving cases since she was 14 while be raised by a not-actually-related-by-blood Uncle who used to be a guard at Alcatraz.

Combine Madsen with Cold Case level bad dialogue and your problems are just beginning.

We also have Hurley, oh sorry Soto. A really smart guy who Madsen finds via a website link. He has two ph.d's - one in Criminology and one in Civil War History. He also runs a comic book store and writes a comic called Alcatraz. He also appears to be the only person who is surprised by what is going on around him. He is actually bothered when people around him start getting shot. Which strikes me as a perfectly reasonable reaction. The main problem is that he has yet to have any additional information that could not be found from a simple database search. His parents were both professors - which has no bearing whatsoever on anything so far except the belief that children of parents are smart. Which is so not true. Just like children of a psychologist are well adjusted.

Hauser, Hello Mr Sam Neil! rounds out the triumvirate by being even more cliche ridden than Madsen. He is also the harbinger of hidden secrets. He has the most upside potential for vulnerability since he has shown no emotion so far. Such a low starting point gives you a chance! He stumbled into the missing people by accident, seems to have had a relationship 50+ years ago with the Dr. Lucy, played by the Indian chick from Bend it Like Beckham and (say it with me) Doesn't trust anyone!

The show already suffers from Lostism, which is when a character doesn't ask a simple question that would clarify, oh LOTS. Early in the episode Madsen's uncle is revealed to be a guard from Alcatraz who served with Madsen's grandfather. It is later revealed that Madsen's grandfather was actually a prisoner. She then...doesn't immediately go and ask, Why did you lie to me?

Soto is aware of the lie. I'm okay that he doesn't say anything. After all he doesn't actually KNOW these cops. Like I said before, Soto makes sense.

Prisoners Aren't Necessarily Love People...
Stop it right now Alcatraz. Are we going to have to spend every episode learning that SOMEHOW the convicts were misunderstood and then the prison people were MEAN to them. Kudos for the first episode being about a small crime that was a federal offense. However the second episode is about a sniper who really just wanted to be loved?! What the...

There is a Secret Installation Under Alcatraz...
Our heroes operate from a base on Alcatraz. Apparently it will be a long boat ride back whenever they figure out something. I hope there is nothing too time sensitive as they will be on a boat. I also wonder who the hell built it without anyone noticing.

Oh the music...
Danielle wasn't even watching the show yet due to the Lostesque music knew exactly what was happening.

Intriguing...Dr Lucy and Hauser having been an item back in the 60s. Lucy must have vanished then come back. How did Guards vanish from Alcatraz and no one notices? Okay you can hide a convict, not so much with a guard.

What I DID like
It really is a cool concept. The flashbacks are great for fleshing out the story. Though you end up caring more about the people with flashbacks than the main characters. Also Madsen didn't seem to wear a bra during the second episode. Always nice.

Think a procedural where we don't know anything that is going on. I'll give it three more episodes then quit.

Wayne